Moon Cliche Power!
by Al Kristopher
Summary: A Sailor Moon satire that contains practically every cliche in the book--and some I made up on the spot!


The Royal Disclaimer: This is the new and improved (snicker) version of Moon Cliché Power. I kind of forgot a few of the other clichés in the previous story, ergo, this second and "better" version. Try to enjoy it, okay?  
  
  
  
**Moon Cliché Power!**  
By Al Kristopher  
Adhvanit21@aol.com  
  


Once upon a time in Tokyo, Serena Tsukino was late for school--but what else is new?  
"I am late for school!" screamed Serena as she dashed outside her house. Her mother grunted to herself, wondering if her brainless daughter would ever truly grow up. Serena was in a very big hurry to get to school, and wasn't watching where she was going. Without even knowing it, she bumped into somebody and fell butt-first on the ground.  
"Wahhh!" whined Serena, crying like a baby. The person who she bumped into helped her up, and even though he was a complete stranger, introduced himself as Kristopher.  
"Nice to meet you, Mary Sue--I mean, Kristopher!" said Serena. She suddenly gasped and realized that she was still late, and left the poor man to gape as she ran towards her school.  
  
  
  


Meanwhile, in the Dark Existence, an evil being carefully watched the silly girl scamper towards her school. This evil being laughed wickedly and summoned her cronies.  
"Cronies," said the evil being, "we have arrived at Earth! I want you to steal the energy of every person on the planet, and don't forget their pure hearts and their dreams! I'm using these elements in my master plan of destruction and/or conquest."  
"At once, milady," said one of the four cronies. They vanished, and their evil mistress cackled wickedly.  
  
  
  


Molly, Rini, and Hotaru were taking a peaceful walk in the woods, when suddenly, the four evil cronies appeared out of nowhere!!!  
"My gosh!" exclaimed Molly in her Bostonian accent. "Nephrite?"  
"Erm, Molly!" exclaimed one of the four cronies. Yes, the four Negaverse Generals had been revived "somehow", and were now working for a new liege!! Hotaru and Rini did not recognize the four generals, but when they were attacked, they knew they had to do something. In a flash, they transformed into Sailor Saturn and Sailor Mini-Me!  
"My gosh!" exclaimed Molly. "Hotaru and Rini are really Sailor Saturn and Sailor Mini-Me! I never woulda guessed!" Both Scouts grunted to themselves.  
"Whoops," said Saturn. "I guess we shouldn't have revealed our true identities to her." Sailor Mini-Me shrugged and the two soldiers did battle with the generals. Because she was Sailor Saturn, Hotaru kicked their butts, but Rini got beaten and/or captured.  
"RINI!" exclaimed Hotaru when the pink-haired girl was beaten and/or captured. One of the generals stole her energy, another stole her pure heart, and another stole her dreams. Only Nephrite was left without a job.  
"You are useless, Nephrite!" exclaimed Jadeite. Malachite agreed.  
"I agree," he agreed.  
"Let's kill him again," suggested Zoisite. The other three generals agreed and killed Nephlite.  
"NOOOO!!!" shouted Molly. She rushed to his side but he was already dead.  
"Not again," muttered Hotaru. Suddenly, her dreams/heart/energy was stolen as well, as was Molly's. The three generals cackled wickedly and vanished.  
  
  
  


Lita sighed sadly to herself. It had been two whole hours since she broke up with her last boyfriend, and if she didn't get one within the next day, she would become very moody and lonesome. Even though she was beautiful, strong, talented, and smart, Lita still felt as if nobody in the world loved her--save her friends, of course. Even so, she couldn't help but doubt her own abilities and skills. _Will I be doomed to be lonely forever? _she thought. Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder.  
"Hey there," said the mysterious man. "I couldn't help but observe that you're lonely. Mind if I join you?" Hearts fluttered around in Lita's head as she stared back at the man.  
"Uh, sure," she whispered. The man smiled and leaned up against the wall.  
"I'm Kristopher," he said.  
"I'm Lita," she gushed. Suddenly, Serena tripped on air and fell on the ground.  
"Wahhh!" she whined. Kristopher groaned and helped her up.  
"Where'd you come from?" he asked. Serena sniffled and thanked him again as she stood.

"I just got back from Darien's house!" she belted out. "That ignoramus jerk broke up with me!!"

"Not again!" shouted Lita. "Was it before or after he was brainwashed?"

"I dunno," sniffled the poor blonde. Lita sighed in irritation.

"Serena, if you two keep on breaking up like this, then all your other friends will do so as well!" The clumsy moon princess let out a mighty bawl, causing her friend to growl in irritation.

"That's it!" she screamed. "I'm betraying you and breaking off our friendship!"

"NNNOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"Uh, what's going on?" asked Kristopher. Serena was sobbing too much to answer him.  
"You two know each other?" asked Lita. Serena nodded her head.  
"I… accidentally bumped into him on my way to school," she admitted. Lita smiled.  
"That explains everything," she said. Serena giggled and forgot about her friends betraying her.  
"So are you two on a date?" she asked. Lita's face beamed.  
"Yes!" she stated, and before Kristopher could react, Lita flung her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss.  
  
  
  


"That takes care of our mission," said Jadeite, his hands full of pure hearts.  
"That was too easy," grunted Malachite, his pockets full of dream mirrors.  
"Queen Villainia will be most pleased," smiled Zoisite, carrying gourds full of energy. The three generals cackled wildly and almost retreated, but were stopped by two mysterious fighters…  
"In the name of Neptune, I won't let you get away with this!"  
"And in the name of Uranus, you will die at our hands!"  
"Whuh?" sputtered Jadeite. "MORE of them?!?!" He grunted, but was too laden with pure hearts to fight. Zoisite growled.  
"Stay back or these treasures are lost forever!" s/he threatened. Sailor Uranus blushed.  
"Oh my gosh, you're very attractive!" she blurted. Zoisite's face turned red.  
"I, I already have someone," s/he muttered. "B-besides, I can't tell whether you're a guy or a girl!"  
"Neither can I," said Uranus. Neptune cleared her throat.  
"Erm, the treasures, Uranus!" she hissed. Sailor Uranus chuckled sheepishly.  
"Right, right, no time to flirt. Umm, hand over the treasures or else, I guess."  
"Oh no, they're threatening us," mocked Jadeite. "What SHALL we do?" Malachite grunted.  
"Well, we're not going to tell them our entire master plan for once!" he muttered. "We should retreat! We're carrying too much to fight them now. Another time, perhaps?" Malachite and Jadeite vanished, but Zoisite remained.  
"S-see ya, I guess," said Uranus softly. Zoisite nodded his/her head and vanished along with his/her comrades. Sailor Neptune groaned.  
"You're just as bad as those other girls! I might run off and/or betray _you_ if this keeps up!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
  
  


"A new enemy?" whispered Raye. Haruka nodded her head warily.  
"Not again," muttered Mina. Suddenly, she noticed that one of their numbers was missing. "Hey, where's Lita?"  
"Off on a date with Mary Sue--I mean, Kristopher," said Serena.  
"Dating a complete stranger she just met?! Not again!" muttered Mina. Artemis and Luna crawled up on her shoulders.  
"We can worry about that later!" exclaimed Luna.

"Right! The return of the Negaverse generals is a good sign that someone wants to destroy and/or conquer planet Earth," said Artemis. "And this new enemy may have given the generals brand-new powers."  
"So what do you suggest we do?" asked Raye.  
"Get new powers, of course!" stated Luna.  
"Not again," grumbled Mina. "I'm still getting used to our last set of new powers!"  
"You don't have a choice!" exclaimed Artemis. He suddenly produced ten sets of hairbands and gave one to each of the girls there (three were left out for Rini, Lita, and Hotaru).  
"What are these?" asked Mina.  
"Hairpins of justice, I guess," said Trista. She put the band in her hair and felt a surge of power. The other girls mimed her move, each one feeling a brush of power erupt in their bodies.  
"Now you stand a fighting chance!" exclaimed Luna. Serena gasped.  
"Oh no! Where's Rini and Hotaru?!"  
"My guess would be that they're in trouble," muttered Haruka.  
"Not again," grumbled Mina. Serena stood up and summoned her troops, and despite the fact that they had just betrayed her, they rallied to her cause.  
"Then let's go rescue them!!"  
"Right!"  
  
  
  


"Rini!" exclaimed Serena as she rushed towards the unconscious little girl. Hotaru and Molly were also unconscious on the ground.  
"Not again," mumbled Mina. "Okay, so I guess we'd better find their pure hearts and energy, right?"  
"Yeah," said Serena. "I'll go contact Lita. Hopefully, she's not in the middle of something important."  


Meanwhile…  
  


Lita giggled, her rosy lips being kissed by a man who had been a complete stranger the other day. They were getting along well in the short time they had known each other--perhaps a little TOO well. Suddenly, Lita's communicator bleeped, and she grunted.  
"Just a sec," she whispered, kissing Kristopher's ear. She flicked on her communicator and demanded to know why she was being interrupted.  
"Lita!" exclaimed Raye. "There's a new enemy afoot! We need Sailor Jupiter to come help us! Hurry!" Lita grunted and smiled weakly at Kris.  
"Sorry, darling," she said. Kristopher frowned.  
"Yeah, being a superhero sucks. But you really shouldn't reveal your identity so easily!"

"Sorry," she shrugged. He sighed and shook his head wearily.

"Well, I'll wait up for you, okay?" Lita's face beamed and she kissed him good-bye.  
  
  
  
"Lita!" Sailor Jupiter scurried over to her friends, apologizing for her tardiness.  
"I'm ready to fight!" she exclaimed. Suddenly, the three surviving generals appeared, their arms empty and ready to fight.  
"Good, so are we!" they spat. Sailor Uranus and Zoisite flinched when they saw each other.  
"Not you guys again," grumbled Mina. Malachite laughed wickedly.  
"Yes, it's us! Queen Villainia revived us for her master plan!"  
"Queen Villainia, huh?" stated Sailor Pluto. "Well, what's her master plan?!"  
"To destroy and/or conquer this worthless planet!" said Jadeite. He laughed, but Malachite brained him.

"Idiot! I thought I told you to _not_ reveal our master plan!!"

"Sorr-rry!" moaned poor Jadeite. "Anyway, now that you girls know our master plan, we're going to have to laugh at you and taunt you, but we won't actually kill you unless we really need to. But we WILL destroy and/or conquer the world!!"  
"Oh no!!!!" gasped Sailor Mars. Sailor Venus grunted.  
"Oh, how original," she muttered. Jadeite flinched.  
"Shut up!" he spat. The two men attacked, but Zoisite (who, for all purposes, could have been either gender--nobody was certain) remained. The other soldiers advanced and fought a really cool battle with Jadeite and Malachite, but Sailor Uranus lingered.  
"Why aren't you fighting?!" demanded Zoisite.  
"Why aren't YOU fighting?" retorted Uranus. Zoisite winced and walked over to her.  
"Are you really a girl?" s/he asked. Uranus nodded her head.  
"Yes, but I'm not usually attracted to men. Are you really a guy?" she asked. Zoisite nodded his/her head.  
"Yes, but I'm not usually attracted to women." The two of them smiled, and suddenly embraced in a very romantic and very unlikely kiss.  
  
  


"Darn it, Zoisite!" muttered Malachite. "Y-you can't just dump me like that!" Having been defeated by the soldier's new powers, both generals were barely able to move, let alone fight. Serena kneeled down and gazed at them boldly.  
"Well?" she said. "Do you finally surrender?"  
"Y-yes, we give up!" exclaimed Jadeite. "W-we're tired of losing! We want to be on the winning side for once!" Serena smiled and used her new powers to heal the two generals. Sailor Mars and Sailor Venus were both very glad that the generals were their allies; while they were battling the forces of Queen Beryl, both soldiers had had secret crushes on the generals.  
"Well, that's over with," observed Sailor Mercury. "Now give Molly, Rini, and Hotaru back their treasures! And everyone else too!" The three surviving generals complied and returned all the energy, pure hearts, and dream mirrors to their proper owners. Rini and Hotaru woke up grumbling, unsure as to what had just happened; Molly stayed unconscious and later forgot about Rini and Hotaru ever revealing who they really were, again.  
"Rini!" exclaimed Serena. She hugged the small lady and there was a lot of tenderness.  
"Erm, Sailor Moon?" said Uranus. Serena sighed.  
"I'm sorry. We'd better defeat Queen Villainia and put an end to all this nonsense."  
"I'm with you!" said Raye, and all the other soldiers rallied behind their leader. The three former generals smiled.  
"I guess we'd better help as well," said Jadeite. Zoisite agreed.  
"Right. How would you ladies like to teleport over to Queen Villainia's throne room?"  
"Would we ever!" exclaimed Uranus. Zoisite smiled at his new love and together the three generals teleported all the soldiers to Queen Villainia's hideout.  
  
  
  
"Well, we're here," pointed Malachite. Queen Villainia growled.  
"Malachite, how dare you betray me! I'll see that you suffer for this!"  
"What about me?" whined Jadeite. Villainia flinched.  
"Right, and you and Zoisite as well. Anyway, on with the suffering!!" Queen Villainia raised her hands and shot volts of power at the warriors, and a few were weakened. Then the Sailors used their new powers and blasted back at her.  
"Mercury Ice Storm!"  
"Venus Love Flare!"  
"Mars Inferno Blast!"  
"Jupiter Zeus Rage!"  
"Saturn Infinity Wave!"  
"Uranus Earth and Heaven Shock!"  
"Neptune Monsoon Sonata!"  
"Pluto Chronos Fist!"  
"Mini-Me… Crystal… Life force!"  
"Moon… Crystal… Annihilation!"  
"Soul Crusher!"  
"Dark Universe bomb!"  
"Razor Shade attack!" (These were Jadeite's, Malachite's, and Zoisite's, respectively)  
  
Their combined powers struck Queen Villainia like a wrecking ball, nearly splitting her body in half. But the evil monarch would not go down so easily, and with a burst of power, she grew to an immense size.  
"Oh no!" grunted Malachite. "Not again!"  
"Hey, that's MY line!" moaned Mina. Malachite apologized.  
"Everybody!" shouted Serena. "We've got to work together!" The massive ensemble of warriors agreed, and threw their powers in the gambling pot. Serena and Rini focused their own abilities, and soon a massive conduit of sheer power was hovering over their heads.  
"YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!" proclaimed Queen Villainia. Mina grunted.  
"Yeah, like we haven't heard that one before." Serena and Rini focused the immense wave of power at Queen Villainia, shouted "Solar Scout Power!!!" in unison, and released the ball of white-hot energy. Queen Villainia countered with her own blast, and for awhile, the two powers collided into a terrifying crash. Steadily, though, Villainia's power wave gained a foothold, and slowly pushed the other power wave back. Serena grunted; the powers of all ten girls, plus the three former generals, were in this energy ball. If even this was insufficient…  
"Pearl of the Cosmos!!" A sudden blast came out of nowhere, striking Villainia in the face. She screeched out in pain, and a voice could be heard. "Now!!!! Focus all energy in your attack!!!!" Serena quivered as she recognized the voice to be Kristopher's! But she took the split second of distraction well, and hurtled the precious orb of power at her foe.  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" screeched Villainia. "I CAN'T LOSE!!! I AM INDESTRUCTIBLE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--" The voice was suddenly silenced, and was never heard again…  
  
  
  
Hours later…  
  


"Well, we beat the enemy," sighed Serena, clutching onto Darien, who had gotten back together with her for the zillionth time.  
"Yeah, I hope we never do that again," replied Raye, holding Jadeite.  
"I second that notion!" giggled Mina, her hands clutching Malachite's elbow.  
"We're the greatest team ever!" smiled Michelle.  
"Ain't nobody gonna beat us!" stated Rini. Hotaru smiled with relief.  
"But I have one question," said Haruka, gently holding Zoisite. "How is it that Kristopher was able to get inside that throne room?"  
"And how were you able to use such great powers?" asked Lita. Kristopher smiled wryly.  
"Wouldn't YOU like to know?" he asked. Lita smiled, and snuggled up close to him.  
"Phooey," whined Amy. "I didn't get a boyfriend."  
"Neither did I," pouted Trista. The two soldiers grunted to themselves.  
  
  
  
Will Amy and Trista ever find a boyfriend? Will a new evil return and force our beloved Sailors to acquire new powers? Will Mina and Raye break up with _their_ new boyfriends, or will they help them in taking over the world? Will Serena ever be on time? Will anyone else betray her? Will she and Darien stay together for more than five episodes, or will he be brainwashed again? Will Rini go to work for Dr. Evil? Will Nephrite get resurrected again, only to die in Molly's arms? Why does the author always get the best guys/chicks and the coolest powers? And what about Haruka and Zoisite? What's the deal with _that_!? Tune in next time when none of these irrelevant questions are answered! Buh-bye!  
  


****

The End


End file.
